so how do i begin...? so you take a look at my person and what do you see? a person who is perfectly happy with themselves. who is calm, collected, and rarely afraid. yet there is a tug of war match between my mind, my heart, and my soul. i have such a huge love of God, and such a passion that i want to pursue Him no matter what the cost, no matter what the penalty. i'm learning new and exciting things about God everyday and yet, i just store it away. do i take it to heart? sometimes i do, but mostly what i'm challenged with to change in my life i put on a mental checklist of stuff to do or promises made to God. the checklist is so big now, and there are so few checkmarks there, it feels as though its all just so shallow. i long for something that has a grip, a moment where God shows up and turns my box inside out, upside down. i've tried that before, it didn't really work. i came in, ready to have and awesome time and get fired up about God just to go home and forget about it. God had other plans, He does that. its like i hit a brick wall, but while in water. so this wall stopped me, but He was there to pick me up and start building me up on a firm foundation. i've known people who are really awesome mostly because they are really close to God, and one of the characteristics that i've noticed is that they have almost like this conditioned spirit in them. they know how to run with the times that God shows up and does something awesome, but they also know how to push through the tough parts and still wholeheartedly pursue God.
that checklist thing...man, its hard to explain. i have this huge pull and desire to worship God with my whole being, not caring what anyone thinks. yet i'm caught in a fear. not just of messing up, or worrying about popularity or something like that, but i also find myself using the excuse that because i'm young and inexperienced, i don't know what to do. it seems like it shouldn't matter, yet that causes the hesitation. so i'm caught between running after God and staying comfortable, and in that indecision, i've become complacent. i'm called to be an evangelist, yet one of the toughest things for me is talking to people about Jesus. i've done it before. but i was always with someone else, they might not have been older, but they had absolutely not a care for what anybody thought about them. now that i'm older, i have had to be in the lead role in that kind of position and yet i'm terrified. i have failed to do what God was prompting me to do...and that really hurts. its almost like a slap in the face, but i'm not the one feeling the sting of the slap, God is. yet, i know that He has forgiven me completely. and, i know He is gently, and continuously, prodding me, testing me. saying "are you ready Jordan, are you ready to trust in me"? and i'm completely blown away.
God i give You all the glory and the honor that i have to offer. You are so glorious, our worship is such a fragrance to You. What is written on my heart? only a cry for You. my soul and spirit connect with Yours. what a thought! You are the most beautiful majesty that never was born, and yet Your heart's desire is to be Your friend. Lord, i long to be a delight in your eyes. give me the courage to speak for You, and to have absolutely no inclination of caring what other people think. give me Your words, allow me to be Your witness, let me love like You loved me. gift in me a heart for the nations. thank you. You're awesome.